Depression, ADHD and Bi-Polar Oh My!

Well my life is no picnic. As you know from my previous blog I am in quite the roller coaster marriage. As we battle with addiction daily we are also battling with each of our mental illnesses. If any of you have ever dealt with mental illness from a loved one you know it is difficult. Realizing you need new medications is probably one of the worst times along with transitioning to new ones.

Before I go too far into our relationship you should probably know what exactly we are dealing with .
Robert has a couple mental illnesses he takes medication for ADHD and depression. His mother is bi-polar and he is starting to show symptoms of bi-polar, not strictly depression. This is extremely hard on him because of the relationship he has had with bi-polar through his mother. He has had to deal with her highs and lows his whole life. Her lows aren't just laying in a bed in a comatose state. Her lows are terrifying. (I have have the pleasure of experiencing a couple during our marriage. Usually she just yells at Robert and Shawn but one time she told me she was going to kill Boston and that had basically ruined any chance at a relationship with her) 
I take medication for depression and in my opinion it is pretty much managed. I know I do have some low days still but those are usually because of outside sources. BUT to get an honest opinion you'll have to talk to Robert.

Lately Robert and I have been at each other's throats almost daily. I'll go days without wanting to kiss him (but I do because I'm nice and I know I really do want to it's just my brain that doesn't) because I just don't want to even think about dealing with our problems or be in the same room. We will fight over something as stupid as not replacing the toilet paper. Every day I wonder when we get home if I'll have to deal with Robert exploding on Boston (our dog) or if he will just lay in bed and not get up or if he will be cleaning like a maniac. Those are Robert's basic moods. I'd like to think I'm pretty consistent but I know my moods are based off of what he does. If he is angry, I get angry. If he is sad, I just go do my own thing. If he is cleaning like a maniac, ....I don't know what I do in this situation.

Trying to figure out our groove is hard. Trying to figure out how we need to communicate in the various situations we get ourselves into is one of the harder things we go through. We will yell at each other then five minutes later just be fine and in love and cuddling.

Also I love this new song and the fact that it mentions bipolar.

http://youtu.be/cqqqV50zaAc

Robert's Birthday

You know, I don't really mean to brag but I am by far the best wife ever. Not really but I think when it comes to birthdays I really am pretty awesome. This year Robert turned 27. I asked him what he normally does for his birthday and he said he usually goes out to eat and then he goes to a movie. I thought that was very sad since he normally does it himself but I thought he should keep the tradition alive. His birthday was on a Friday which was super convenient and made it possible for my awesome weekend plans. Keep in mind everything was a complete surprise for him. Also keep in mind he has been calorie counting and loving it so he was constantly on MyFitnessPal putting everything he ate in.

Friday night we went to Five Star BBQ. Robert and Shawn (my father in law) are obsessed with their ribs and every time Robert and I have gone they have been sold out. I invited Shawn, Chelsea and Michael and my parents to dinner there. Unfortunately Michael got caught up at work so they weren't able to make it but it was nice having our families there. My parents were babysitting my brother's son Claytin and dropped him off during our meal and decided to stay for some food so we had some surprise visitors. After we ate I took Robert to get some Rita's Italian Ice. As Robert chowed down on that and got a brain freeze I drove to the movie theater. The Giver came out on his birthday and I had purchased tickets the night before. When we went to see Divergent we saw the trailer for The Giver and we were both excited. Well he was excited and told me it was a great book and easy read. I decided to read it and then I was excited and anxiously awaiting the movie. During the movie we talked to each other about things we liked and didn't like. But at the end of the movie is when the real discussion began. We both decided we enjoyed it and thought the elements that weren't in the book made it so it would be an interesting movie and able to compete with Divergent and Hunger Games.

Saturday morning I woke him up and told him it was time for him to shower and get ready. Robert is really difficult to wake up. Not as bad as my sister's husband but still pretty bad. He is super grumpy and does not like his sleep being disturbed. However since I had prepared him it wasn't too bad. Robert got ready and we headed to my parents to drop off Boston (this made Robert realize we weren't coming home... and I guess the fact that I made him pack a suitcase kinda gave it away...hmmm) The whole time he was asking, "where are we going? What are we doing! I just want to know!" After we left my parents I gave Robert his "Choose your own Adventure" Book.
The first choice was, "dive into fun" or "explore our backyard." He chose the first so we went to the Aquarium. It was our first time going to the new building. We knew we wanted to take our time and really enjoy it. We went and saw a 4D movie about Coral Reefs which was pretty beautiful and enjoyed the touch pools and petting sharks and stink rays. It was awesome. The shark tunnel is pretty cool too! (Nothing compared to the shark tank at the Point Defiance Zoo in Seattle but pretty close)

After the aquarium he had the option of "get lucky" or "peel it off one layer at a time" He choose to peel it off one layer at a time. This mean lunch was going to be at the Copper Onion in SLC. I asked one of my friends what the two best lunch spots were and she suggested those two so I figured why not try one out. Our lunch was AMAZING. I got a French Dip sandwich and Robert got a BLT. I don't know what made them so wonderful but they were. Totally worth the trip!
After lunch he had the choices of "choose your own" or "travel far far far far far far far far far far far far far away." He chose the second and we ended up at the Planetarium. It's awesome that we have a free planetarium here in SLC. It's not amazing but it is pretty entertaining. They had changed it since last time I went and had machines where you could make wind tunnels. We probably had way too much fun doing that.

Next option, "do something cheesy" or "enjoy something sweet." Robert chose cheesy and we ended up at the cheesecake factory where we shared a slice of cheesecake totaling 1700 calories. Good thing we split it and we did a lot of walking. The seating at this restaurant is way creepy/uncomfortable. You are basically sharing a table with everyone by you. We ended up sitting next to a couple traveling from Australia. It was really fun we talked to them for a good thirty minutes and probably annoyed our waiter because we were too busy talking for either of us to order. After we ate our cheesecake we strolled around the mall and played in the Windows store.
It was 4:30 so I gave him another option, "fall in love again" or "keep the party going." He decided to fall in love again so we went to our hotel. I booked us the October room at the Armstrong Mansion Bed and Breakfast in SLC. It was incredibly cheesy but wonderful at the same time. We had a large tub with jets, a king size bed and wifi. It was great. We decided to relax a bit before dinner and we watched a movie and cuddled.

The final decision was Rodizio Grill or Christopher's Steak House. I know I had clever sayings but now I don't remember what they were. We ended up going to Rodizio and enjoying endless amounts of delicious Brazilian style meat and salad bar. We love the Rodizio in SLC it is a million times better than the one we have here in American Fork. Robert got his free slice of birthday flan and they sang to him in Portuguese.
We were supposed to have a last decision but we were too full and tired from our busy day to do anything else.
We went back to our hotel and took a bubble bath and relaxed. We both fell asleep incredibly fast that night. In the morning we were greeted with a buffet style breakfast. There was fruit salad, quiche, apple strudel, homemade granola, raspberry trifle and cinnamon rolls. It was amazing. Totally worth it.

After breakfast we got ready for the day and continued north to Lagoon. Robert loves roller coasters and I am okay with them but not totally thrilled. We got there shortly after it opened and walked onto a lot of rides. Unfortunately, we did not fit on some together (which we are working on and will fix before next year) but we still had fun. We left the park around 4:30 after spending time in the water park section. We were so tired after doing water slides.

We drove home and picked up Boston from my parents. We arrived just in time for dinner at their house. We enjoyed a lovely Cuban meal and then continued on our way home. Robert slept like a baby that night but of course after being the sun all day I ended up sick. Thankfully, I was able to take Monday off to recover.

Overall we had a wonderful birthday weekend and Robert said he is already planning for my birthday next year to make sure it is better than his. I set the bar high for the future but that's okay birthdays only happen once a year. :-)
 

International Birthday

So once again it was that time of year! July 17 I celebrated my 24th birthday and first birthday with my hubby. Robert brags about his gift because he brought me to Germany. Yeah. So as I explained earlier Robert manages a musician named Origa. Origa had a concert at a convention in Germany and as a joke (but completely serious) Robert asked if Olga would put me on the contract so the convention would pay for me to go. She said yes and I got to go. Our trip to Germany was HOT. I would say it was hotter than Cuba last year and possibly more humid.

We left SLC at 10 am Wednesday July 16 had a layover in New York at JFK then flew from JFK to Frankfurt. We arrived in Frankfurt Thursday July 17 at 10am. I had had a cold and completely lost my voice and wasn't sleeping well already. Then I had to try to sleep on a plane. This was a wonderful experience. In the SLC airport I loaded up on NyQuill to try to knock myself out but it didn't work.

When we arrived in Frankfurt Robert and I had only slept for 6 hours over the past 48 hours. We were both quite grumpy and hungry. We were greeted at the airport by two girls from the convention, Jenny and Sonja. Sonja was Origa's personal assistant for the weekend but really she just hung out with me because Origa was in her room between performances. We went and picked up Seiya shortly after we were arrived. After Seiya arrived we went to our hotel to freshen up. I took a mini nap before we went out to wander the streets of Frankfurt with our tour guide Sonja. We went to an authentic German restaurant and got schnitzel and sausage and sourkraut. It was so yummy. So much better than the one we have here in Utah! After we walked around and went in a couple of shops. We were mostly just really tired so we asked to go back to the hotel. When we got back to the hotel I took a nap again while Robert and Seiya worked. We planned on meeting everyone for dinner that night but when we went down there Sonja wasn't there. Seiya, Robert and I decided to go to an Italian restaurant in the mall by our hotel. Robert got pizza, Seiya and I got pasta. They were all super delicious! After dinner we were all SUPER tired BUT Sonja found us and was having a heart attack thinking she had lost us so we had to talk to her and calm her down. We were back at the hotel when Robert's friend Chaz showed up at our hotel. He is in the Air Force and based a couple hours from Frankfurt so he decided he wanted to make the drive to see Robert. We hung out with him for an hour and then passed out. Chaz slept on the floor in our hotel room.

Friday we woke up and ate delicious breakfast provided by the hotel. They made crepes fresh right in front of you and they could make any type of egg as well. I probably ate 20 crepes during our stay. Along with the crepes they had eggs, potatoes, sausages, fruit, cheese, cold cuts, cereal, bread, pastries and of course coffee and fresh juice. The weird thing was they had miso soup, fried fish and rice. I guess they get a lot of Asians...Chaz, Robert and I ate breakfast before Chaz and I took off on our adventure. After spending an hour searching for his car we finally found it and headed out on our journey. We drove for about an hour before reaching our destination. We went to Heidelberg and enjoyed the castle. It was AMAZING! After the castle we went to his Air Force base to get some gas before going to his house to rescue his adorable dog, Thor. Once we picked up Thor we went to another castle. This one was only a few minutes away from his house.

 (Can we just talk about how amazing it would be to live a few minutes away from a castle)

We went and took Thor for a walk around the castle which was also awesome. History is pretty cool. I think I get that thinking from my dad. After the castle we brought Thor home and went to get some dinner since we hadn't eaten since breakfast. The only thing open was Burger King so we went there. I thought it was funny that I went to an American restaurant while in Germany. I've heard people say fast food is better in other countries but it was basically the same. After eating we started our journey back to Frankfurt. They were having a BBQ at our hotel for the convention so we had some more sausages. After the BBQ we went to the room and crashed while Robert worked his little butt off. 

Saturday was convention day. We had to wake up early and eat breakfast. They had french toast instead of crepes so I was slightly disappointed but it was still delicious. The convention officially started at 10 and then I sat at our booth selling product until 9 pm when Origa had her concert and I was too tired and hungry to do anything. 

Sunday was our last day in Germany. We did convention stuff until 6pm and then they took us to dinner. Once again we went to an Italian restaurant. I got pasta and Robert got a pizza again. His food was WAYY better (mostly because I am picky about sauces and I didn't like the sauce) It was really fun to sit around with our four German hosts, Origa her two German friends, Seiya and Robert. Robert made some balloons which is always fun for people. When we went back to the hotel Robert had lost his balloon bag so we had a slight freak out about that. We finally went to sleep around 1 am just to wake up at 5 am for our return flight. 

The airport was weird. They use the hall as the main waiting area and then they have smaller waiting areas for each flight where you have to give them your ticket to get in. After we waiting in that area they started "boarding." I use the quotes because they had us walk to the door and down some stairs to a bus that took us to our plane where we walked up a ramp to get in. That flight was pretty fast just to Paris. We got pastries instead of cookies or pretzels which was awesome. When we got to Paris we had to take another bus to take us to the terminal. Once we got to the terminal we had to walk through customs. Once through customs we had to take an elevator to another terminal. From that elevator we took another bus to get us to the next terminal. When we arrived at that terminal we were finally in the right destination to find our plane. We stopped at one of the little shops and got a sandwich, soda, water and chocolate cake. We went to board our flight and of course I got picked for a random check. When you get picked now you have to turn on all your electronics and guess what, my laptop was dead and I didn't have the converter. So we had to find a converter and plug it in. This probably took at least 15 minutes of me following some french guy around that was on his phone the whole time while I was holding my laptop and cable. It was incredibly annoying. Finally we boarded our flight and Robert and I passed out. We slept for a good chunk of time and then woke up and watched endless amounts of free TV. Our lunch on the flight was chicken curry and it was freaking DELICIOUS! Finally we arrived at home and dad picked us up from the airport with Boston in tow. I was the happiest mom ever to be back in the US and to have my baby back. I missed him lots while I was gone. 

Overall it was a tiring trip but I guess you could say it was successful. 

The Wife of an Addict

I was beyond excited to get married. I was incredibly stressed but at the same time excited. I was giggly and demanding and emotional and just hoping everything would be perfect. In the end we did have a beautiful wedding. There were tears shed, jokes made and delicious cake. But let's rewind a little bit... or a lot. Let's rewind back to when I realized I wanted to marry my husband.

I was driving home from a fun week with my friends in Vegas. I had partied and enjoyed the single life. Sure I had gone on dates with many guys over the past few weeks but I was in Vegas and wanted to enjoy my single life. On my drive home with my friend we were talking about what fun we were going to have next New Years as single ladies and all the single lady fun we would have during the new year. We were laughing and joking and then I had this feeling, "No, you don't get to have more single lady trips because you're going to marry that boy back home." CRUD!

Want some details on the boy back home? I met this boy online while doing a research project. Our first date was the Sunday before Christmas. We planned on our second date being the Saturday after Christmas but Monday I asked to see him again. Tuesday I asked to see him again. Wednesday, Thursday and Friday we saw each other. This relationship was sparking! We saw each other every day for a week until we both had our New Years trips. After a week of talking to this guy I was excited about him but I didn't want that to get in the way of my trip so we decided "What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas."

After I returned from my trip I went to his house and we talked. I was ready to start a relationship with him but he was very tentative. He told me every dirty secret he had just to get me to back off. Unfortunately even with the secrets I knew I was stuck. (But I wasn't really stuck I wanted to marry him too) One of his dirty little secrets was not so little. It is something many men have struggled with and many more will continue to struggle with.

He confessed to me that he addicted to pornography.

At first I just took it at face value. I told myself, “He says he is addicted but he probably isn't.” But being the crazy girl I am I dug deeper. I asked those when, where, why, how (meaning downloads or streaming, computer or phone) and tried to find a way for me to fix this little problem. He was shocked at how I took this information and decided that maybe we should start dating.

The information I got was heart wrenching. I learned he was exposed when he was extremely young and he had tried many times to overcome this sin. He successfully stopped long enough to go to the temple and serve an honorable full time mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. After he returned home he stayed clear of it for a long time until one day it was triggered again. Since then it has been an on again, off again pattern.

We started by seeing his bishop. He had already started seeing his Bishop for it before but now that I was in the picture he wanted me to join him. I suggested we see a therapist that specialized in sex addiction. This therapist was wonderful we really enjoyed him but due to lack of money we could only attend a few sessions.

From then on we decided we had to figure out how to overcome together. We made plans for him to contact me. To sleep at normal times. To eat healthier. To take care of himself. To try to relieve stress in other ways. These have all worked for a short period of time but in the long run have not helped us.

We have been married for three months now and the addiction is still there. We are doing what we can (still too poor for therapy) and the addition is still there. Even if he isn't looking at it and he has gone on a "good streak" the addiction is still there.

Part of me says "I should have listened to my family and turned the other way." But I know that I am here because I am learning and growing with my husband. Even though it seems like we are constantly battling each other the person we are really fighting with is Satan. We are fighting evil temptations. We are struggling to fight every day and to remember why we are together and who we are fighting. When we are united we are stronger.

Truth be told, if I hadn't married him, he'd probably be in the same situation only he would be on his own. He wouldn't have a physical reason to overcome the temptation. He wouldn't have a cheerleader supporting him. He wouldn't have the desire I have given him.

I tell people not to marry addicts. I them it is hard. I tell them they may end up regretting it but if I could, I would not change my decision. Not for the world.

Because I married him I have someone that is dedicated to me. He loves me more than anyone ever has. He loves to serve the community. He stands up for what he believes in. He makes me breakfast in bed every morning. He makes me lunch on my lunch break. I am treated like a queen. He is not some slimy, grimy, gross man. He wears suits to a job where he could wear shorts. He works hard just because I asked him to. He loves to be around people and entertain. I married the man of my dreams. I married up in many ways.

Yes, the man I married is an addict but that is just a small portion of who he is.

Just to clarify, I am not looking for pity. I am not looking for advice. I just want that other wife out there to know that she is not alone. I want her to know that there is someone out there who is having the same thoughts as her. There is someone who is crying because of the way the addiction takes control.

I’m writing this knowing that there is hope. I know this is a war not simply a battle. I know that even when he is “clean” he will still be an addict. I know that we will have to stay united to eventually overcome. But I also know. 

We will overcome.

Exciting news!!!

Marrying Robert has brought many opportunities into my life. It has been a wonderful time. Full of emotions, marriage is hard people. BUT what I have learned in my short period of marriage is, it is completely worth it. I love having someone to rely on when I am too emotional to make a rash decision. I love being able to bounce my ideas off of someone who will give me an honest loving opinion.


Together we have been able to build his EnkeDinkyDoo business. It is so awesome to be able to help him do something he enjoys plus he is AMAZING at it. (also look at instagram #enkedinkydoo) He is now twisting Monday nights at Texas Roadhouse in Lehi and Wednesday nights at Yogurt Bliss in Pleasant Grove.

Together we have been able to build relationships with his musician Origa. She came to our wedding and wrote and sang a song she wrote for us. She has also opened doors for us. Since we are her managers now we both have the opportunity to travel with her. We have been given the opportunity to go to Frankfurt in July for her performance.

Origa performing her song at our wedding

Together we have been able to find jobs where we can both grown and thrive. Robert is working at a call center and I am working at a pharmacy billing center. Robert has been offered extra hours, already received a raise and this week they decided he can work there full time. (He was originally hired for 4 hours a day) They are also great because they work with his schedule for EnkeDinkyDoo and my school hours so it is easier for us to carpool. I started my job Thursday after interviewing Wednesday and being offered the job on the spot. Thursday they had me watch for a couple hours then had me working on my own. After working on my own all Friday they told me I'm moving somewhere else Monday because I'm too good at what they had me doing so they think I'll be able to do things others find more difficult. I'm really excited about it.

Together we have been able to find our stance on things. We were able to volunteer at the Pride festival in SLC. It was a great experience, we both got hit on quite a bit and it made me miss my GBF Kyle.

I love our little family! It is wonderful. I love Robert and I'm so glad I get him forever.

End of an Era

Unfortunately yesterday my time at Utah Valley Pediatrics came to an end. I knew it needed to happen but I didn't know when I would get the courage to do it. Robert and I had been playing what if games all weekend. Basically different scenarios that could happen at work and I told him if one happened I would quit. So yesterday I did. It was emotional leaving all the friends I made there and the awesome doctors I worked for but I needed to stand up for myself and do what I knew I needed to do. I turned in my two weeks requested to use the last of my vacation hours and got all my shifts covered for the next two weeks.  Crazy right?
I turned in a few applications yesterday and got called back within an hour for an interview. Today I turned in a few more and I have at least two interviews a day until Tuesday! I'm kinda enjoying not having a job. It is a break from the stress but let's be honest I'll get bored if I don't get a new job asap.
Let's all be excited for the new chapter in my life!!

Kennedy is HOME!!!!

After 18 months of being separated my KDawg finally came home! It is so nice having my little ginger devil back! We went to one of her companions homecoming parties a couple weeks ago and boy oh boy we were not prepared for what happened. It was a full on Luau! No joke, dancing, dead pig, endless amounts of Tongan's and food. It was awesome. We were the only white people there so that was sooo weird. 

Kennedy and I felt super awkward

Kennedy eating a pig's foot

Just another view of the foot

The first time we hung out we went to the Riverwoods it was really fun. Gosh I missed this girl