Monday, August 31, 2015

The First Time

Do you remember when you first felt like your world was ending? Do you remember the pain it left you in the pit of your stomach? The pain in your chest of your heart breaking? You thought you were going to run out of tears after this tissue but the tears never stopped? Your mind kept racing trying to figure out why you can't stop crying but then remembering whatever the incident was that turned you into the sobbing mess and just crying even more?

I do. At age 13 I should have been diagnosed with depression but it was before my parents were on the mental disorder bandwagon so I wasn't officially diagnosed until I was 21. I remember being a very emotional child but I didn't have major breakdowns that I remember. Until I was 17. I won't go into too much detail but of course it was over a boy. I was madly in love with this boy and I knew we wouldn't survive going to college and separating but I wanted to try. Silly me thinking he would want that too. I found out in a very public and horrible way that he didn't want that. In fact he wanted someone else and was also dating her. The night I found that out I went batshit crazy. I remember yelling, crying, screaming at the top of my lungs and nothing helped the pain. I cried LOUDLY in my bedroom that night. I couldn't stop crying.

I get flashbacks of this night sometimes and now I feel shame. I feel like an idiot for showing my emotions like that. I feel like a stupid little girl for thinking that what I had in high school could be true love. I think that I was an idiot for caring about someone so much that they could hurt me like that. I am embarrassed for having feelings. I am horrified that people saw me in that state, that people can still remember that happening. I hate that I remember it happening, why would I want anyone else to remember?

I wish I could say that one episode was the only one but I'd be lying. Sometime I'm triggered again. I cry, I scream. I hate myself most of all. Even when I'm not the cause it all comes back to, "Adrienne grow up don't feel this way" or "Why does my brain have to function this way? Why can't I be like someone else and just always find the silver lining?" I end up blaming myself. This sets me down a dark spiral. I get suicidal. Don't freak out. Not extremely suicidal. I've determined I could never actually kill myself because I'm too chicken and I love Boston too much. But when I'm suicidal it's usually a lot of tears and some bad bad googling. (lets just say I know I can't OD on my anti-depressants...wise on the manufacturer's part)

I hate that I feel this way. I hate knowing other people feel this way. I wish there was a magical way to make it go away but I haven't found anything. When it happens I just lay in bed, crying and wishing for a miracle to happen. I wish for my memory to be erased, to wake up in a different life or different body,  I wish for my heart to stop so I don't have to feel the pain anymore. I wish to just sleep and never wake up.

People don't know this is what happens behind closed doors. They don't know what happens in my head. They are shocked by what is really going on in my mind. But I feel like these episodes are more me than the facade that I put on to be a normal functioning member of society.

Thursday, March 26, 2015

My New Place

So I lived with my parents for like two minutes after my divorce and then I realized I didn't want to live with my parents as a 24 year old divorced girl so the day after I found out my divorce was finalized I went on KSL and started searching for a place to live. I found one here in Provo and I loved it immediately. The landlord is so funny and sweet and we instantly clicked. I saw that my roommate had a coffee maker so I knew I wouldn't be judged for all my issues. The next day I signed a contract and moved in.

I got a whole new bedset for my new place because I didn't really want to sleep on what Robert and I slept on (even though I have the bed that I had with Ali and Robert... Hey it's free) With my new bedset I had a great idea to paint a "headboard" on my wall. I started looking things up on pinterest to see what others had done when they didn't have a headboard. None of them were exactly what I was thinking but I got some interesting ideas. I decided to go with a color block idea but as a whole headboard.
This was my inspiration

Then I drew it up on my computer

Then I taped it off an started painting

Clay was beyond excited to be able to help me paint
I only had a couple heart attacks when he was painting

Eventually we finished....But something was missing

So Dahlia and I taped off a border around it and painted some more

This was the final product

Then I put my bed up against it and decided it looks amazing! 

What do you guys think? Awesome? Would you do it? 

Wednesday, February 25, 2015

The Day I Broke My Husband's Heart

This may seem a little rushed and insincere but I've been thinking about this blog for a long time. I wanted to get my feelings and interpretation of what happened written down before I forgot. Anything I say in this blog is not meant to hurt Robert's reputation but only my side of what was happening in our marriage. I still value him and think he will do wonderful things, it's unfortunate we can't accomplish these things together but I know it is for the best that we go our separate ways now.

Our marriage has never been easy. We fought a lot, emotions ran high, things were always said to hurt each other and we even contemplated divorce back in July (only 3 months into marriage) Robert and I talked and we decided to give it until December to see if things would improve. The hard part of Robert's sanity is that it depended on him 100%. It depended on if he took his medication correctly, if he ate correctly and unfortunately if he viewed pornography. If any of these things were off I had the Hyde version of Robert rather than Jekyll. I am not saying our divorce is all Robert's fault. That would be crazy! I had to guard myself from Robert. I was having frequent anxiety attacks about his debt and our budget. This made me start to distance myself from him. I loved him but I loved him differently than a wife should love her husband. I started to see him as a client rather than a lover. I avoided going home when he was Hyde because I didn't want to deal with it. I ran away from my problems rather than facing them. Over time our marriage got harder and my anxiety worsened. I truly felt as if I had no other choice when it came to divorce. I had missed work because of anxiety attacks. School was on the back burner because I didn't have the mental capacity to deal with it.

I kept the idea of divorce to myself for a while. Robert could tell something was off with me. He started to show his love more and say "I love you" more than he had in the past. His ideas for improvement were flowing and he was constantly telling me about how he was going to do better. I read up on divorce. I prayed about it. Then eventually I talked to my bishop about the idea. My bishop sat and listened as I poured my heart to him. I told him of our struggles and my broken heart. He told me that he wouldn't say if it was a good idea or bad but that he would support me either way. He understood the pain of mental illness and it was a relief to discuss our problems with someone.

That night I went home and Robert was leaving for work. I didn't know how or when I would tell him but I knew I needed to. I was sitting in my car trying not to cry when Robert knocked on my window. He said sweet things told me how much he loved me and once again started talking about the improvements he wanted to make. All I could say was "You need to stop because I just talked to our bishop about getting a divorce." It just came out I couldn't stop it. Telling someone I cared about that I couldn't be with them anymore was one of the hardest things I have ever done. We cried and figured out our solution, I would move out the next day and he could stay in the apartment with Kelvin. The rest of the night I was worried about him at work and I didn't sleep.

The next day as I ugly cried I packed up clothes and left the apartment.

A week later we went to the courthouse and filed our divorce papers. Another week later the judge signed our petition to waive the mandatory 90 day cool off period. That day I turned in our final divorce papers and Friday February 28, 2015 my marriage was officially over.

There are a lot of emotions running through me constantly. I feel relief, sorrow, happiness, anxiety, anger, fear and just about every other emotion in the dictionary. Every time I see Robert I just ache and wish things could have been different. We are still in love with each other but our marriage was hurting our progression and happiness rather than helping it. I am so glad I was able to spend the past year of my life with him. I think that this marriage was something we both had to go through and we have learned a lot from it.

I am so grateful for my family and friends. They have helped me so much! I don't know how I would handle this without them. My parents have been incredibly supportive and have let me move back into their house while I am still paying for Robert's apartment. My parents have watched me cry and hugged me. My friends have done everything they can to help. I am so grateful for everyone who has helped me.

Now... what does a 24 year old LDS divorced girl do? I guess I get to find out.

Thursday, January 15, 2015

My Two Husbands

No I'm not a polygamist. As I mentioned before Robert has bi-polar. Friday night we went on a date and I'll just tell you what it was like to go on a date with my two husbands.

I feel like most of the time I can control him but occasionally I can't. Especially if he is off his medications. Unfortunately for me he was off his medications most of the past week. This mean extra mood swings, higher highs and lower lows. Anything can set him off. It can be as small as a nudge to a weird look to who knows what.

Friday night Robert picked me up from work around 5 and we headed over the mall. Earlier in the day we had decided we wanted to see Taken 3 that night around 6. I also had to meet Carmen at the mall to give her something. On our way to the mall we had to stop by Chase to withdraw some money. On our way to Chase Robert's driving was terrifying. I thought we were going to get T-boned pulling across University Avenue into the bank. I was freaking out and told Robert that wasn't safe. His response was to drive erratically through the bank parking lot. (ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME!?) Of course I freaked out even more about that because we were in a bank parking lot. You should not be an idiot in the bank parking lot. So then he was pouting on our drive over to the mall. Once we got there I said "get out." He didn't want to go on our date anymore. He was upset and wanted to go home. I told him I had to bring something to Carmen so we had to go inside anyway. Once we got inside he said "I'm getting a boba tea." For whatever reason I decided I would let him. We got our smoothies and walked around and waited for Carmen to get there. (She was at the other mall...oops) Life was fine while we got those and waited around for Carmen. I let him take the lead on stores we went to because I could tell it would be a great night...(sarcasm) We were there for an hour before Carmen showed up so I decided we could get something small for dinner. I got a hot dog on a stick, he got cheese on a stick and we shared funnel cake fries. Eating everything was still great. Robert was still nice Robert. He kept asking to buy a drink and I repeatedly told him we already had our boba drinks so we didn't need more drinks but he could go ask for a cup of water. He said doing that was embarrassing so he didn't want to do that. Finally Carmen showed up and we talked for less than five minutes. Within those few minutes I said something to Carmen that set Robert off. We were talking about budgeting and Robert's debt and apparently he did not like that. When I grabbed his hand to walk with him to the movie he decided he didn't want to hold my hand. "I'm not a child I don't need you to walk me!" Once again I was on a date with bad Robert. We walked into the theater he kept complaining about being thirsty. I told him to ask for a water. We started in one line and I suggested moving to another because it wasn't moving. We moved and then our previous line started moving so Robert was not happy with me. We ordered his water and he asked for the biggest size. Guess what they charge you $5 for the big size! WHAT THE HECK?! So we got him a water. He was being really rude and trying to set me off. Unfortunately when he gets like this I just treat him like a patient, not a husband. I try to distance myself emotionally and just treat him like a child or something. He kept pushing and pushing and cussing and just saying rude things. I told him I would not go to the movie until he apologized. He refused so I told him I would go return my ticket and go home, he could see it himself. He freaked out and grabbed my arm and told me I had to go to the movie. He gave an insincere apology. I had to go to the bathroom still so I went to the bathroom with him still yelling at me to go to the movie. While I took my time in the bathroom I got a text saying something similar to "babe please come to the movie. I'm sorry. I don't like to see movies alone" I went into the theater and all of a sudden I was with good Robert again. He tried to cuddle me. But unfortunately I don't compartmentalize good/bad Robert. I hold grudges. When he switches and apologizes he doesn't realize what he has said, he doesn't realize what he had done to hurt me. After the movie he was still good Robert.

This is a night in my life with a bi-polar husband. You can imagine the amount of tears I go through.