Wednesday, February 25, 2015

The Day I Broke My Husband's Heart

This may seem a little rushed and insincere but I've been thinking about this blog for a long time. I wanted to get my feelings and interpretation of what happened written down before I forgot. Anything I say in this blog is not meant to hurt Robert's reputation but only my side of what was happening in our marriage. I still value him and think he will do wonderful things, it's unfortunate we can't accomplish these things together but I know it is for the best that we go our separate ways now.

Our marriage has never been easy. We fought a lot, emotions ran high, things were always said to hurt each other and we even contemplated divorce back in July (only 3 months into marriage) Robert and I talked and we decided to give it until December to see if things would improve. The hard part of Robert's sanity is that it depended on him 100%. It depended on if he took his medication correctly, if he ate correctly and unfortunately if he viewed pornography. If any of these things were off I had the Hyde version of Robert rather than Jekyll. I am not saying our divorce is all Robert's fault. That would be crazy! I had to guard myself from Robert. I was having frequent anxiety attacks about his debt and our budget. This made me start to distance myself from him. I loved him but I loved him differently than a wife should love her husband. I started to see him as a client rather than a lover. I avoided going home when he was Hyde because I didn't want to deal with it. I ran away from my problems rather than facing them. Over time our marriage got harder and my anxiety worsened. I truly felt as if I had no other choice when it came to divorce. I had missed work because of anxiety attacks. School was on the back burner because I didn't have the mental capacity to deal with it.

I kept the idea of divorce to myself for a while. Robert could tell something was off with me. He started to show his love more and say "I love you" more than he had in the past. His ideas for improvement were flowing and he was constantly telling me about how he was going to do better. I read up on divorce. I prayed about it. Then eventually I talked to my bishop about the idea. My bishop sat and listened as I poured my heart to him. I told him of our struggles and my broken heart. He told me that he wouldn't say if it was a good idea or bad but that he would support me either way. He understood the pain of mental illness and it was a relief to discuss our problems with someone.

That night I went home and Robert was leaving for work. I didn't know how or when I would tell him but I knew I needed to. I was sitting in my car trying not to cry when Robert knocked on my window. He said sweet things told me how much he loved me and once again started talking about the improvements he wanted to make. All I could say was "You need to stop because I just talked to our bishop about getting a divorce." It just came out I couldn't stop it. Telling someone I cared about that I couldn't be with them anymore was one of the hardest things I have ever done. We cried and figured out our solution, I would move out the next day and he could stay in the apartment with Kelvin. The rest of the night I was worried about him at work and I didn't sleep.

The next day as I ugly cried I packed up clothes and left the apartment.

A week later we went to the courthouse and filed our divorce papers. Another week later the judge signed our petition to waive the mandatory 90 day cool off period. That day I turned in our final divorce papers and Friday February 28, 2015 my marriage was officially over.

There are a lot of emotions running through me constantly. I feel relief, sorrow, happiness, anxiety, anger, fear and just about every other emotion in the dictionary. Every time I see Robert I just ache and wish things could have been different. We are still in love with each other but our marriage was hurting our progression and happiness rather than helping it. I am so glad I was able to spend the past year of my life with him. I think that this marriage was something we both had to go through and we have learned a lot from it.

I am so grateful for my family and friends. They have helped me so much! I don't know how I would handle this without them. My parents have been incredibly supportive and have let me move back into their house while I am still paying for Robert's apartment. My parents have watched me cry and hugged me. My friends have done everything they can to help. I am so grateful for everyone who has helped me.

Now... what does a 24 year old LDS divorced girl do? I guess I get to find out.

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